Another day, another attempt at putting my thoughts to writing.
Since a few days I have decided upon something I’m very excited about, I’m picking up school again in the form of home schooling and I’ll be learning a brand new language while freshening up the ones I already know. There’ll be some mandatory classes on the side I’ll have to take but they’re all part of the diploma I’ll have in my hands in the end and they’ll all open doors for me to step up in my life. The languages included in this class are German, French, English and Dutch. It’ll be a though nut to crack but I am motivated enough to pull this off. Languages have always been my thing and I’ve been set on learning as many as I can. So far the past events in my life had put a brake on my will to put time into anything at all but I’ve come on a crossroads in my life that made me realise it was now or never.
I am pretty happy to once again have a real and managable goal in life and I am going to commit to that with everything I have.
I hope to end all of my future blogs on a positive note from now on!
Another day, another realisation. The uncertainty of things becomes even more clear. Remaining hopefull and positive about a certain situation is not something that comes easy, especially for a mind that constantly tries to predict and calculate the outcome of any action it wants to perform. A constant power struggle between good and bad, between light and dark, between sanity and giving in to the temptation to wander off into the unknown.
As this never-ending competition rages on and claims it’s victims, the mind stays stuborn; refusing to let go of it’s struggle for controll and weakening itself on the process. Even the things that once brought hope are becoming more and more like ghosts from a past long forgotten and are replaced by demons, forever greedy to claim the throne and to reign through doubt and self-loathing.
The road that seemed so safe is in fact a death trap with only a few ledges to cling onto and survive. Hopefully my feeble grip onto those safeguards will prove enough to overcome these obstacles and will allow me to reach the other side, reborn.
Another few days have passed and there has been little change. The numb sensation is stronger than ever and it seems like the one thing I loved is also becoming even more distant. Not that I didn’t expect it to happen but that is what makes it all the harder. The anticipation that something will happen becoming a thing. Becoming part of my long list of struggles. But, I have decided that I won’t give up on that. I will keep on fighting and giving it the attention I feel it deserves. Basically all of my everyday thoughts focus around this on thing now and I can’t be unhappy about it. Even though it is still very much unknown to me it has a certain level of attraction to it, something that makes me feel like what I’m doing is right, that it is worth every second of my mind being occupied. It somewhat distracts me from all the things that pulled me down and is lifting my spirits. Every glimpse I get makes my day a little more comfortable, every sound I hear brings a smile to my face. It also brings forth empathy, a feeling I have missed for several years, a feeling that still eludes me for anyone else. It has a certain radiating light that captivates me and makes it feel like every second I spend with her is one well spent. I just hope that the stream that carries it away will reverse and move it closer to me once more so I have the chance to bathe in it’s warmth and soothing voice once again.
There is still hope.
As I sat up, yet another night; unable to catch the much needed sleep I have been longing for. My thoughts kept me up, urging me to stay awake and pay them tribute. A never ending stream of confusion, doubt and internal conflict. Great in numbers and all as eager to be heard as the next one. Too much at a time. I have been in a numb state because of this, not really able to feel much anymore apart from a sometimes overwhelming muddled sensation. Leaving me unsure if I want to cry or laugh; be angry or feel blessed.
I have been dealing with this for the past years now and I’ve become a master in hiding my true feelings. Putting on the happy mask whenever something required me to go outside. I would come across as the ever positive and joyfull person with an ear for anyones problems or frustrations. But in truth I wasn’t able to deal with my own demons, who had settled in my mind and weren’t going nowhere. I had let them linger for too long and was growing accustomed to being comfortably numb. Although comfortable is not something I would want to link to this emptiness that at the same time felt so heavy, omnipresent and was clogging up my mind.
I know one thing, writing this down sure feels like a relief. It’s like opening a window to let the moist, hot air out of a room. It clears my head. At least for a while.