As I sat up, yet another night; unable to catch the much needed sleep I have been longing for. My thoughts kept me up, urging me to stay awake and pay them tribute. A never ending stream of confusion, doubt and internal conflict. Great in numbers and all as eager to be heard as the next one. Too much at a time. I have been in a numb state because of this, not really able to feel much anymore apart from a sometimes overwhelming muddled sensation. Leaving me unsure if I want to cry or laugh; be angry or feel blessed.
I have been dealing with this for the past years now and I’ve become a master in hiding my true feelings. Putting on the happy mask whenever something required me to go outside. I would come across as the ever positive and joyfull person with an ear for anyones problems or frustrations. But in truth I wasn’t able to deal with my own demons, who had settled in my mind and weren’t going nowhere. I had let them linger for too long and was growing accustomed to being comfortably numb. Although comfortable is not something I would want to link to this emptiness that at the same time felt so heavy, omnipresent and was clogging up my mind.
I know one thing, writing this down sure feels like a relief. It’s like opening a window to let the moist, hot air out of a room. It clears my head. At least for a while.