experiences

Towards the light

The same thought keep on resonating in my mind, the same words over and over again. That even though things get rough sometimes there’s always beauty to be seen, always happiness to be found no matter how dark things may look. Most times it isn’t that obvious, it’s in the little things that most of us overlook while living our busy lives, walking past them as we hurry along to get where we want to be, rather than stopping at where we need to be, to take a break from what we must to see what we want, what we really need. Not to just live but to feel alive, not to just work but to make it work and not to just have but to cherish. And for some of us it is a long road to finally get to where we feel good, feel comfortable and allowed to be ourselves. Some may never find that place due to pressure or the ease of just following the crowds in their routines. To just get dragged away by the stream that is society, with its rules on how to behave and its standards on how to be to be accepted even when that doesn’t align with our personalities or goals. It is easier to adapt most of the times to seem perfect in the eyes of total strangers, colleagues and even friends. But in the end you will not be the best person you could be, you will never reach that full potential that is within every single one of us, buried deep and waiting to be uncovered, to see the light and to grow into something majestic.

I am still on the road to finding out for myself but every step I take, I try to take it with purpose, with a goal towards a future that I want, a future I didn’t know I wanted a year ago, when I too thought all was lost, that my story would evolve no further and all hope seemed lost. I am passed that way of thinking now, I once again believe that I can do something and I owe a lot of it to certain people that never stopped believing, even when I did. They gave me the tools to escape from that dark place and I took the opportunity to traverse back into the light. Started to make plans for the future again and I tend to fulfill them, one at a time. Setting higher goals as I complete one. Going back to school is the first step, just thinking about it gives me a lot of confidence and even though it will be time consuming it gives me energy and motivation. It has brought back my will to live life and to not let life live me. To grab hold of the reigns again and to head into the future at full speed.

There is a lot I still have to learn but I know I’ll get there, to that point in life where I can finally confidently say that I am happy with my life and more importantly, myself.

D.

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The destination changes

Another day, another attempt at putting my thoughts to writing.

Since a few days I have decided upon something I’m very excited about, I’m picking up school again in the form of home schooling and I’ll be learning a brand new language while freshening up the ones I already know. There’ll be some mandatory classes on the side I’ll have to take but they’re all part of the diploma I’ll have in my hands in the end and they’ll all open doors for me to step up in my life. The languages included in this class are German, French, English and Dutch. It’ll be a though nut to crack but I am motivated enough to pull this off. Languages have always been my thing and I’ve been set on learning as many as I can. So far the past events in my life had put a brake on my will to put time into anything at all but I’ve come on a crossroads in my life that made me realise it was now or never.

I am pretty happy to once again have a real and managable goal in life and I am going to commit to that with everything I have.

I hope to end all of my future blogs on a positive note from now on!

D.

Technical difficulties

Another day, another realisation. The uncertainty of things becomes even more clear. Remaining hopefull and positive about a certain situation is not something that comes easy, especially for a mind that constantly tries to predict and calculate the outcome of any action it wants to perform. A constant power struggle between good and bad, between light and dark, between sanity and giving in to the temptation to wander off into the unknown.

As this never-ending competition rages on and claims it’s victims, the mind stays stuborn; refusing to let go of it’s struggle for controll and weakening itself on the process. Even the things that once brought hope are becoming more and more like ghosts from a past long forgotten and are replaced by demons, forever greedy to claim the throne and to reign through doubt and self-loathing.

The road that seemed so safe is in fact a death trap with only a few ledges to cling onto and survive. Hopefully my feeble grip onto those safeguards will prove enough to overcome these obstacles and will allow me to reach the other side, reborn.

D.

The next stop

Another few days have passed and there has been little change. The numb sensation is stronger than ever and it seems like the one thing I loved is also becoming even more distant. Not that I didn’t expect it to happen but that is what makes it all the harder. The anticipation that something will happen becoming a thing. Becoming part of my long list of struggles. But, I have decided that I won’t give up on that. I will keep on fighting and giving it the attention I feel it deserves. Basically all of my everyday thoughts focus around this on thing now and I can’t be unhappy about it. Even though it is still very much unknown to me it has a certain level of attraction to it, something that makes me feel like what I’m doing is right, that it is worth every second of my mind being occupied. It somewhat distracts me from all the things that pulled me down and is lifting my spirits. Every glimpse I get makes my day a little more comfortable, every sound I hear brings a smile to my face. It also brings forth empathy, a feeling I have missed for several years, a feeling that still eludes me for anyone else. It has a certain radiating light that captivates me and makes it feel like every second I spend with her is one well spent. I just hope that the stream that carries it away will reverse and move it closer to me once more so I have the chance to bathe in it’s warmth and soothing voice once again.

Always dreaming,

There is still hope.

D.

First station

As I sat up, yet another night; unable to catch the much needed sleep I have been longing for. My thoughts kept me up, urging me to stay awake and pay them tribute. A never ending stream of confusion, doubt and internal conflict. Great in numbers and all as eager to be heard as the next one. Too much at a time. I have been in a numb state because of this, not really able to feel much anymore apart from a sometimes overwhelming muddled sensation. Leaving me unsure if I want to cry or laugh; be angry or feel blessed.

I have been dealing with this for the past years now and I’ve become a master in hiding my true feelings. Putting on the happy mask whenever something required me to go outside. I would come across as the ever positive and joyfull person with an ear for anyones problems or frustrations. But in truth I wasn’t able to deal with my own demons, who had settled in my mind and weren’t going nowhere. I had let them linger for too long and was growing accustomed to being¬†comfortably numb. Although comfortable is not something I would want to link to this emptiness that at the same time felt so heavy, omnipresent and was clogging up my mind.

I know one thing, writing this down sure feels like a relief. It’s like opening a window to let the moist, hot air out of a room. It clears my head. At least for a while.

D.